American warrior poet and sports icon Joey “Jaws” Chestnut has once again shown the world not to be picked on. For the past few years, he’s been content to intimidate pigs, cows, chickens and, presumably, raccoon anuses with heroic displays of devouring processed meat at the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest over the weekend. -end of July 4th.
This year, while defending the championship title, Chestnut has branched out a step further to demonstrate that it’s not just slaughterhouse waste that falls in front of him, but also any distraction that might come from an injured leg. , a COVID recovery or animal rights protesters.
The first two entries in the list above were immediately won over by Chestnut as he emerged on the battlefield of meat on a pair of crutches, determined despite a leg injury and recent fight with COVID. After to be raised Both metaphorically and literally with the help of Nathan’s announcer and a rising platform, Chestnut looked at his domain, raised his fist and proceeded to show his subjects why he still deserves to be hailed as the reigning king of emulsified animal remains.
The first drops of hot pig juice had barely cooled on his lips when a protester ran on the stage wearing a Darth Vader mask and holding a sign that reads “EXHIBIT SMITHFIELD’S DEATH STAR”.
The chestnut, blood drawn with the salty ghosts of so many dead animals, had no time for the protester’s attempt to call industrial agriculture and the celebration of its results in question. The hot dog champ grabbed the protester in a choke hold, dropped him to the ground and, unfazed by this act of rebellion, immediately began stuffing more wet meat tubes into his insatiable maw .
In the end, Chestnut won the competition pounding a total of 63 sausages in 10 minutes. This number is less than the record he set last year– 76 dogs swallowed – but it’s still a prime example of what a man can do with only courage, determination and a refusal to accept the meat factory complaints that drive him to go forward.
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There is no greater celebration of American power than this show of power. As the empire cracks, Chestnut remains unbreakable. As the Earth itself gives way under our weight, it stands tall. His vision is clear and his purpose is never in doubt. Every problem is a hot dog. The only solution is to eat it.
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