The Polium One is the answer to a question that no one has ever asked and no one will ever ask. It is a “next generation console for Web3 games”. That is, rendering on a website for a fictional machine that I believe will absolutely never be made. I challenge them to prove me wrong.
To be clear from the start, “web3” or “web 3.0” is the generic term for a series of seamlessly obvious scams, from cryptocurrency delusions to NFT embarrassment. It doesn’t really mean anything, and if you see someone using it, you know to steer very wide. So yes, the Polium One!
Polium, a company so famous that it couldn’t even get the Twitter username with a single underscore after the brand name, announced plans to create the first console designed for… for… the thing. You know. Web stuff3. Uh, like, payments! Yes, payments! You can pay for things on it using all kinds of cryptos!
Seriously, that’s all he has. The hilarious website, suggesting a 2024 launch for backers, 2025 for hoi polloi, has an FAQ that offers absolutely no answers other than the bullshit payment networks it will accept. You, a nocoiner, might want to ask, “What games will be available at launch?” but you will only be told: “We are currently in talks with several game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer will want to know that you can spend your fake money via Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…
My favorite question in the FAQ is “What will the specs be?” And not only for this tortuous effort not to divide the infinitive. Here is the answer, in full:
“Our goal is to build a high performance console. The specifications you see on the site are not confirmed until we have a working prototype.
A performer! Where to pre-order?!
As for those “specifications” on the site, they are, as far as I know, as follows: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 frames per second.
Let’s break this down. It’s 4K AND 8K, ray-tracing and 120 fps on its graphics card without a graphics card, and… TouchID 100% owned by Apple and not available to outsiders! Bold claims!
This really doubles down on that TouchID statement, which it absolutely can’t haveclaiming that it is also the technology that will prevent others from sneaking around and using your console to spend all your crypto on a picture of a monkey.
However, when you want to spend all your own crypto on a picture of a monkey, the console has your back, offering a “Multi-Chain Wallet for Trade, Exchange, and Bridge” as well as “Buy and NFT trading and in-game items.”
It’s even funnier when you watch Polium’s Average page, where we are informed that “The console will be built by the community.” Uh, huh? Well, you see, “We’ll be taking pre-orders before the console hardware is fully built. This will help us gather customer feedback, ideas and validation. Ahhhh. They will take your money before a thing exists in order to feel more valid. I understood.
Let’s remember, nothing of this exists. It’s a rendering alongside a series of nonsensical claims and the promise of a prototype “in a few months.” Nothing suggests a roadmap to victory like “in a few”. But where there’s suddenly a puddle of detail is a mock-up of its “clean dashboard.”
Look at this range of games! There are Other side, the Bored Ape Yacht Club “metaverse” game that will never be fully released! There are Decentralized, the miserable virtual world of NFTs! There are high street, an in-alpha online mall! Etc. Every “game” it imagines running on the system is a crude mess of ways to spend money, requiring you to “connect a wallet” before you can play. It’s not subtle. And of course none of this is confirmed for the Polium, because the Polium is currently entirely imaginary.
And we haven’t even touched on how the emblem is that of the Game Cube, swapping its negative space G for a P. Or how the controller is a Dollar Store Dual Sense with the trackpad dropped.
So how do you buy one? ‘Cause God knows you’re desperate now, aren’t you? Well, you happen to have to spend a lot of crypto on a “pass”. A pass that will then allow you to exchange it for a console once the thing is never done.
BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE! Buy a Polium Pass as soon as the company is brave enough to bring it to life, and you’ll also get a “free” Playables PFP NFT! That is, a jpeg of a “retro robot”, and like so much else in this gibberish, Polium will “provide more information later this year”. How are you going to pay for things? Using “PLAY”, a token that Polium will “provide more information on later this year”.
It’s amazing the amount of information that will be released later this year, as if the announcement of its fantasy product is a surprise to Polium Underscore Underscore.
Every section of the site is so (un)funny. Like the “roadmap”. Oh my god, I love him so much.
Perfect. Have everything my money.
We’ll of course keep you posted on every step of Polium’s development, from when it starts taking people’s money to its eventual announcement that it won’t be going ahead after all.
If this thing ever comes out, I’ll set my own head on fire.